


Comfort in the Pain

by Thatkidsyd04



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Anorexia, Bulimia, Gen, Loneliness, Sad Ending, Ugw, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, bingeing and purging
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 20:34:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28606038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatkidsyd04/pseuds/Thatkidsyd04
Summary: It wasn’t pretty anymore, it wasn’t fun anymore, and it sure as hell wasn’t easy to hide anymore. But it was comfortable.A story on how the miserable find macabre happiness in their suffering.
Kudos: 14





	Comfort in the Pain

Lucas was an odd guy: tall, lanky, every extremity seemed too big for his body. He was acutely aware of this; every moment of every day he can feel his tailbone send jolts up his spine in pain has he sits and furthermore as he leans back into a chair along the bruises on his spine. He feels his ribs as he leans over his desk in his dimly lit room to try and find comfort in making a pillow out of his stick-like arms.

Today, Wong Yukhei reached his ugw. And he was far from elated. 

It took too long, the honeymoon phase had long worn off its charm and now he was sitting in 15 years worth of consequences. As he stared at the number on the scale this morning, he smirked, some part of him satisfied, but overwhelmingly disappointed with himself for even making it this far. 

But, he knows he can’t stop. And he won’t.

He knew that when he was caught purging at his grandmother’s funeral. He was further notified when he realized he had no friends. And he damn sure knows now that he has to warn people that he’s anorexic before he even dates them to avoid questions. He’s officially a lost cause. Every attempt at “recovery” was forced either by family, a friend, or a partner and they always ended with Yukhei “eating to get out” while playing pretend. Saying what he thinks a healthy person would say and masquerading as one until the person let up their grip. Sometimes it’s a short as a week, but he’s played the game for as long as three years and hated every second of it. Very simply he knows “ _people leave, disorders don’t_.”

Who was there when he was dumped? Not his boyfriend, not his best friend, his _disorder_. Who planned a whole week of fasting and fun workouts to take his mind off of it.

Who comforted him when his parents would scream at him for not being like the other kids, for not being normal? No friends to turn to, no one to love him, no one but his _disorder_ , who gave him the comfort of grocery store candy and the rush of purging it back into the shopping bags they came in. 

And finally, when he was deemed a “lost cause” by his therapist, who was there to make him feel like he was worth something? His _disorder_ to whom he had fully handed himself over to in the name of comfort. His life has shown him he couldn’t get better, so why try? It was out of his hands anyway. 

Fully disillusioned with the life he lived, he sank into his deepest desires. 

Disordered without a care. With this came a second honeymoon of sorts. In which he declared he was insane so why not get crazy, if he died no one would miss him. If his body had the nerve to live than he had accomplished his goal, “to live as he wanted, biology be damned.” A common phrase he said in response to people detailing that he needed food to live to which he would scoff to their faces and say “I haven’t eaten in a week, and I feel amazing. And very much, as you can see, alive.” While that wasn’t always a lie, he knew those moments were fleeting and trying to get any sleep for the 8th night in a row, absolutely empty was as difficult as starving in general. 

But now, he did it. He was at his ugw, the day that everything was supposed to fall into place. The one all the disordered people would talk about. _They day he’ll love me_ he remembered this one girl said. _The day I get my revenge_ he remembers another post. “The day I conquered myself” he whispers to himself. Still unable to find comfort in his arms. But his head feels deeply cushioned by the fog that has settled over it. No matter how sunny, it still felt overcast. At times it would feel as if he wore the atmosphere as a crown and his feet were off the ground being crushed into oblivion as his body was constantly shrinking under the pressure. 

He’s just waiting to collapse into a black hole, and consume everything he denied himself as a person.


End file.
